Co-dependency is a learned behavior
that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an
emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual's
ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is
also known as "relationship addiction" because people with
codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided,
emotionally destructive and/or abusive. The disorder was first
identified about ten years ago as the result of years of studying
interpersonal relationships in families of alcoholics. Co-dependent
behavior is learned by watching and imitating other family members who
display this type of behavior.
Who Does Co-Dependency Affect?
Co-dependency often affects a spouse, a parent, sibling, friend,
or co-worker of a person afflicted with alcohol or drug dependence.
Originally, co-dependent was a term used to describe partners in
chemical dependency, persons living with, or in a relationship with an
addicted person. Similar patterns have been seen in people in
relationships with chronically or mentally ill individuals. Today,
however, the term has broadened to describe any co-dependent person
from any dysfunctional family.
What is a Dysfunctional Family and
How Does it Lead to Co-Dependency?
A dysfunctional family is one in which members suffer from fear,
anger, pain, or shame that is ignored or denied. Underlying problems
may include any of the following:
- An addiction by a family member to
drugs, alcohol, relationships, work, food, sex, or gambling.
- The existence of physical,
emotional, or sexual abuse.
- The presence of a family member
suffering from a chronic mental or physical illness.
Dysfunctional families do not
acknowledge that problems exist. They don't talk about them or
confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions
and disregard their own needs. They become "survivors." They develop
behaviors that help them deny, ignore, or avoid difficult emotions.
They detach themselves. They don't talk. They don't touch. They don't
confront. They don't feel. They don't trust. The identity and
emotional development of the members of a dysfunctional family are
often inhibited.
Attention and energy focus on the
family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person
typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is
sick. When co-dependents place other people's health, welfare and
safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs,
desires, and sense of self.
How Do Co-Dependent People Behave?
Co-dependents have low self-esteem and look for anything outside
of themselves to make them feel better. They find it hard to "be
themselves." Some try to feel better through alcohol, drugs or
nicotine - and become addicted. Others may develop compulsive
behaviors like workaholism, gambling, or indiscriminate sexual
activity.
They have good intentions. They try to
take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the
caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take
on a martyr's role and become "benefactors" to an individual in need.
A wife may cover for her alcoholic husband; a mother may make excuses
for a truant child; or a father may "pull some strings" to keep his
child from suffering the consequences of delinquent behavior.
The problem is that these repeated
rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a
destructive course and to become even more dependent on the unhealthy
caretaking of the "benefactor." As this reliance increases, the
co-dependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from "being
needed." When the caretaking becomes compulsive, the co-dependent
feels choiceless and helpless in the relationship, but is unable to
break away from the cycle of behavior that causes it. Co-dependents
view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in
the love and friendship relationships.
Characteristics of Co-Dependent
People Are:
- An exaggerated sense of
responsibility for the actions of others.
- A tendency to confuse love and pity,
with the tendency to "love" people they can
pity and rescue.
- A tendency to do more than their
share, all of the time.
- A tendency to become hurt when
people don't recognize their efforts.
- An unhealthy dependence on
relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to
hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment.
- An extreme need for approval and
recognition.
- A sense of guilt when asserting
themselves.
- A compelling need to control others.
- Lack of trust in self and/or others.
- Fear of being abandoned or alone.
- Difficulty identifying feelings.
- Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to
change.
- Problems with intimacy/boundaries.
- Chronic anger.
- Lying/dishonesty.
- Poor communication.
- Difficulty making decisions.
Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of
Co-Dependency
This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the
intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an
all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional
can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these
symptoms suffers from co-dependency.
- Do you keep quiet to avoid
arguments?
- Are you always worried about other's
opinions of you?
- Have you ever lived with someone
with an alcohol or drug problem?
- Have you ever lived with someone who
hits or belittles you?
- Are the opinions of others more
important than your own?
- Do you have difficulty adjusting to
changes at work or home?
- Do you feel rejected when
significant others spend time with friends?
- Do you doubt your ability to be who
you want to be?
- Are you uncomfortable expressing
your true feelings to others?
- Have you ever felt inadequate?
- Do you feel like a "bad person" when
you make a mistake?
- Do you have difficulty taking
compliments or gifts?
- Do you feel humiliation when your
child or spouse makes a mistake?
- Do you think people in your life
would go downhill without your constant efforts?
- Do you frequently wish someone could
help you get things done?
- Do you have difficulty talking to
people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
- Are you confused about who you are
or where you are going with your life?
- Do you have trouble saying "no" when
asked for help?
- Do you have trouble asking for help?
- Do you have so many things going at
once that you canŐt do justice to any of them?
How is Co-Dependency Treated?
Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person's childhood,
treatment often involves exploration into early childhood issues and
their relationship to current destructive behavior patterns. Treatment
includes education, experiential groups, and individual and group
therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify
self-defeating behavior patterns. Treatment also focuses on helping
patients getting in touch with feelings that have been buried during
childhood and on reconstructing family dynamics. The goal is to allow
them to experience their full range of feelings again.
When Co-Dependency Hits Home
The first step in changing unhealthy behavior is understanding it. It
is important for co-dependents and their family members to educate
themselves about the course and cycle of addiction and how it extends
into their relationships. Libraries, drug and alcohol abuse treatment
centers and mental health centers often offer educational materials
and programs to the public.
A lot of change and growth is necessary
for the co-dependent and his or her family. Any caretaking behavior
that allows or enables abuse to continue in the family needs to be
recognized and stopped. The co-dependent must identify and embrace his
or her feelings and needs. This may include learning to say "no," to
be loving yet tough, and learning to be self-reliant. People find
freedom, love, and serenity in their recovery.
Hope lies in learning more. The more
you understand co-dependency the better you can cope with its effects.
Reaching out for information and assistance can help someone live a
healthier, more fulfilling life.
Source: National Mental Health
Association
