In our hearts, we all know that
death is a part of life. In fact, death gives meaning to our existence
because it reminds us how precious life is.
The loss of a loved one is life's most
stressful event and can cause a major emotional crisis. After the
death of someone you love, you experience bereavement, which literally
means "to be deprived by death."
Knowing What To Expect
When a death takes place, you may experience a wide range of
emotions, even when the death is expected. Many people report feeling
an initial stage of numbness after first learning of a death, but
there is no real order to the grieving process.
Some emotions you may experience
include:
- Denial
- Yearning
- Disbelief
- Anger
- Confusion
- Humiliation
- Shock
- Despair
- Sadness
- Guilt
These feelings are normal and are
common reactions to loss. You may not be prepared for the intensity
and duration of your emotions or how swiftly your moods may change.
You may even begin to doubt the stability of your mental health. But
be assured that these feelings are healthy and appropriate. These
feelings and expressions of powerful emotions help you come to terms
with your loss.
Remember
It takes time to fully absorb the impact of a major loss. You
never stop missing your loved one, but the pain eases after time and
allows you to go on with your life.
Mourning A Loved One
It is not easy to cope after a loved one dies. You will mourn and
grieve. Mourning is the natural process you go through to accept a
major loss. Mourning may include religious traditions honoring the
dead or gathering with friends and family to share your loss. Mourning
is personal and may last months or years. Grieving is the outward
expression of your loss. Your grief is likely to be expressed both
physically and psychologically. For instance, crying is a physical
expression, while depression is a psychological expression.
It is very important to allow yourself
to express your feelings. Often, death is a subject that is avoided,
ignored or denied. At first it may seem helpful to separate yourself
from the pain or ignore your feelings, but you cannot avoid grieving
forever. Someday those buried feelings will need to be resolved or
they may cause physical or emotional illness.
Many people report physical symptoms
that accompany grief. Stomach pain, loss of appetite, intestinal
upsets, sleep disturbances and loss of energy are all common symptoms
of acute grief. Of all life's stresses, mourning can seriously test
your natural defense systems. Existing illnesses may worsen or new
conditions may develop.
Profound emotional reactions may occur.
These reactions include anxiety attacks, chronic fatigue, depression
and thoughts of suicide. An obsession with the deceased is also a
common reaction to death.
Dealing With A Major Loss
The death of a loved one is always difficult. Your reactions are
influenced by the circumstances of a death, particularly when it is
sudden or accidental. Your reactions also are influenced by your
relationship with the person who died.
- A child's death arouses an
overwhelming sense of injustice for lost potential, unfulfilled
dreams and senseless suffering. Parents may feel responsible for the
child's death, no matter how irrational that may seem. Parents may
also feel that they have lost a vital part of their own identity.
- A spouse's death is very
traumatic. In addition to the severe emotional shock, the death may
cause a potential financial crisis if the spouse was the family's
main income source. The death may necessitate major social
adjustments requiring the surviving spouse to parent alone, adjust
to single life and maybe even return to work.
- Elderly people may be
especially vulnerable when they lose a spouse because it means
losing a lifetime of shared experiences. At this time, feelings of
loneliness may be compounded by the death of close friends.
- A loss due to suicide can be
one of the most difficult losses to bear. It may leave the survivors
with a tremendous burden of guilt, anger and shame. They may even
feel responsible for the death. Often, survivors benefit from
professional advice to cope with this devastating experience.
Seeking counseling as a family unit during the first weeks after the
suicide is particularly beneficial and advisable.
Living With Grief
Coping with death is vital to your mental health. It is only
natural to experience grief when a loved one dies. The best thing you
can do is allow yourself to grieve. There are many ways to cope
effectively with your pain.
- Seek out caring people. Find
relatives and friends who can understand your feelings of loss. Join
support groups with others who are experiencing similar losses.
- Express your feelings. Tell
others how you are feeling; it will help you to work through the
grieving process.
- Take care of your health.
Maintain regular contact with your family physician and be sure to
eat well and get plenty of rest. Be aware of the danger of
developing a dependence on medication or alcohol to deal with your
grief.
- Accept that life is for the
living. It takes effort to begin to live again in the present
and not dwell on the past.
- Postpone major life changes.
Try to hold off on making any major changes, such as moving,
remarrying, changing jobs or having another child. You should give
yourself time to adjust to your loss.
- Be patient. It can take
months or even years to absorb a major loss and accept your changed
life.
- Seek outside help when necessary.
If your grief seems like it is too much to bear, seek professional
assistance to help come to terms with your loss and work through
your grief. It's a sign of strength, not weakness, to seek help.
Helping Others Grieve
If someone you care about has lost a loved one, you can help them
through the grieving process.
- Share the sorrow. Allow them
even encourage them to talk about their feelings of loss and share
memories of the deceased.
- Don't offer false comfort. It
doesn't help the grieving person when you say "it was for the best"
or "you'll get over it in time." Instead, offer a simple expression
of sorrow and take time to listen.
- Offer practical help.
Baby-sitting, cooking and running errands are all ways to help
someone who is in the midst of grieving.
- Be patient. Remember that it
can take a long time to recover from a major loss. Make yourself
available to talk.
- Encourage professional help when
necessary. Don't hesitate to recommend professional help when
you feel someone is experiencing too much pain to cope alone.
Helping Children Grieve
Children who experience a major loss may grieve differently than
adults. A parents death can be particularly difficult for small
children, affecting their sense of security or survival. Often, they
are confused about the changes they see taking place around them,
particularly if well-meaning adults try to protect them from the truth
or from their surviving parents display of grief.
Limited understanding and an inability
to express feelings puts very young children at a special
disadvantage. Young children may revert to earlier behaviors (such as
bed-wetting), ask questions about the deceased that seem insensitive,
invent games about dying or pretend that the death never happened.
Coping with a child's grief puts added strain on a bereaved parent.
However, angry outbursts or criticism only deepen a child's anxiety
and delay recovery. Instead, talk honestly with children, in terms
they can understand. Take extra time to talk with them about death and
the person who has died. Help them work through their feelings and
remember that they are looking to adults for suitable behavior.
Looking To The Future
Remember, with support, patience and effort, you will survive
grief. Some day the pain will lessen, leaving you with cherished
memories of your loved one.
Source: National Mental Health
Association
