What is Anger?
Anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion.
We've all felt anger; perhaps as a fleeting annoyance or as a
full-fledged rage. But when it gets out of control and turns
destructive, it can lead to problems: problems at work, in your
personal relationships and in the overall quality of your life. It can
make you feel as though you're at the mercy of an unpredictable and
powerful emotion. This fact sheet is meant to help you to understand
and get a handle on handling anger.
Signs and Causes of Anger
Like other emotions, anger is accompanied by physiological and
biological changes. When you feel angry, your heart rate and blood
pressure go up, as does the level of your energy hormones, adrenaline
and noradrenalin.
Anger can be caused by both external
and internal events. You could be angry at a specific person (such an
a coworker or supervisor) or at an event (a traffic jam or a canceled
flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about
personal problems. Also memories of traumatic or enraging events can
trigger angry feelings.
Problems Caused By Unexpressed Anger
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to
pathological expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior
(getting back at people indirectly, without telling them why, rather
than confronting them head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually
cynical and hostile. People who are constantly putting others down,
criticizing everything and making cynical comments haven't learned how
to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't
likely to have many successful relationships.
Why Are Some People More Angry Than
Others?
Some people really are more "hotheaded" than others; they get
angry more easily and more intensely than the average person. There
are also those who don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but
are chronically irritable and grumpy. Easily angered people don't
always curse and throw things; sometimes they withdraw socially, sulk
or get physically ill.
People who are easily angered generally
have what some psychologists call a low tolerance for frustration,
meaning simply, that they feel that they should not have to be
subjected to frustration, inconvenience or annoyance. They can't take
things in stride and they're particularly infuriated if the situation
seems somehow unjust, such as, being corrected for a minor mistake.
Possible Causes of Anger
One cause may be genetic or physiological. There is evidence that
some children are born irritable, touchy and easily angered, and that
these signs are present from a very early age. Another cause may be
sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we're taught that
it's all right to express anxiety, depression or other emotions but
not to express anger. As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or
channel it constructively. Research has also found that family
background plays a role. Typically, people who are easily angered come
from families that are disruptive, chaotic and not skilled at
emotional communications.
Express Your Angry Feelings in a
Positive Way
You cannot get rid of, or avoid the things or the people that
enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn to control your
emotions. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing and
calming.
- Expressing your angry
feelings in an assertive -- not aggressive -- manner is the
healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how
to make clear what your needs are, and how to get them met, without
hurting others. Being assertive doesn't mean being pushy or
demanding. It means being respectful of yourself and others.
- Suppressing anger and
redirecting it. This happens when you hold in your anger, stop
thinking about it and focus on something positive. The aim is to
inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into constructive
behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't
allowed outward expression, your anger can turn inward - on
yourself. Anger turned inward may cause hypertension, high blood
pressure or depression.
- Calming yourself down inside.
This means not just controlling your outward behavior but also
controlling your internal responses, taking steps to lower your
heart rate, calm yourself down and let the feelings subside.
Tips for Controlling Your Anger
Relaxation
Practice these techniques and learn to use them when you're in a
tense situation.
- Breathe deeply, from your "gut";
breathing from your chest won't relax you.
- Slowly repeat a word or phrase such
as "relax," or "take it easy" as you deep breathe.
- Visualize a relaxing experience,
from either your memory or your imagination.
- Try non-strenuous, slow yoga-like
exercises to relax your muscles and calm you.
Change the Way You Think
Angry people tend to curse, swear or speak in highly colorful
terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your
thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing
these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of
telling yourself, "Oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's
ruined," tell yourself, "It's frustrating, and it's understandable
that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting
angry is not going to fix it anyhow." Try replacing these thoughts
with more rational ones.
Be careful of words like "never" or
"always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&%*@
machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are
inaccurate, and serve to make you feel that your anger is justified
and that there is no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and
humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a
solution.
Logic defeats anger, because anger,
even when it is justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold
hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to
get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily
life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you and
it'll help you get a more balanced perspective.
Learn to Problem Solve
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and
unavoidable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and
often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is
also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds
to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. It may
be better to think about coping with the problem rather than finding a
solution which may not exist.
Try to Communicate Better
Angry people tend to jump to and act on conclusions. Some of those
conclusions can be pretty wild. The first thing to do, if you're in a
heated discussion, is to slow down and think through your responses.
Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and
think carefully about what you want to say. Listen carefully to what
the other person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen to what is underlying the anger.
For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space,
and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If
he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by
painting your partner as a jailer, a warden or an albatross around
your neck. It's natural to get defensive when you are criticized, but
don't respond right back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the
words; the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved.
It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may
require some breathing space, but don't let your anger - or a
partner's allow a discussion to spin out of control. Keeping your cool
can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.
Use Humor When Appropriate
Two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your
problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them constructively.
Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor, that's just another
form of unhealthy anger expression.
What these techniques have in common is
a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion,
but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you
laugh.
Change Your Environment
Sometimes our immediate surroundings give us cause for irritation
and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you
feel "trapped"; making you resentful towards all people and things
that form that "trap".
Give yourself a break. Make sure you
have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know
are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has
a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first
fifteen minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire."
After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle
demands from her kids without blowing up at them.
Other Tips For Releasing Yourself
From Anger-Producing Situations
- Timing: If you and your
spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night (perhaps
you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit) try changing
the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't
turn into arguments.
- Avoidance: If your child's
chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the
door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say
"Well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be
angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.
- Finding alternatives: If your
daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and
frustration, give yourself a project -- learn or map out a different
route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another
alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.
Do You Need Counseling?
If you feel that your anger in really out of control and it is having
an impact on both your relationships and important parts of your life,
you might consider counseling on how to handle it better. A
psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work
with you in developing a range of technique for changing your thinking
and your behavior.
When you talk to a prospective
therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you
want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger
management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to
"put you in touch with your feelings and express them" which may be
precisely what your problem is.
With counseling, psychologists say, a
highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in
about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on circumstances and the techniques
used.
Remember, you can't eliminate anger -
and it wouldn't be good if you could. In spite of all your efforts,
things will always happen that will cause you anger and sometimes it
will be justifiable anger. Life will always be filled with
frustration, pain, loss and the unpredictable actions of others. You
can't change that; but you can change the way you let such events
affect you. Controlling your angry response can keep them from making
you even more unhappy in the long run.
Source: National Mental Health
Association
